Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
@ candidates for local office
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private