Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
🙀🙀🙀😹
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”