Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Oh my god
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I love the National Park Service.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Just a bush.