eggs benadryl
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Oh thanks BBC.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside