If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol