20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
The biggest mystery of our time
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now