Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now