[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me and the Superbowl rn
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice