My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
subtitles are so good nowadays
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*