If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
#CoronaOutbreak
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
inventing words: clothing
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak