9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.