My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …