I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Life with a cat in one tweet
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.