My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.