I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I hope it’s French Onion!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird