Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.