This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
tourist season
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.