I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes