[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
marvel comics have peaked
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
They’re the worst 😩
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes