my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Hell yeah 👍
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal