The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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That’s no pocket rocket.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
wow he looks just like him
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.