I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”