I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Lube but for my dry humor.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses