sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
A wise man once said nothing.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
The Book. The Movie.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
yeah 😭
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.