ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
🌱🌱🌱
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming