My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”