Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
You Might Also Like
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Childbirth is so beautiful
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I hope they boil the right one.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat