Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.