Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)