Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Ovenable?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie