My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.