Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.