*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
you gotta be faster
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.