[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
yeet
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
You learn something every day
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701