Do one person every day that scares you.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?