Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
LOL
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?