Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.