I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.