DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
what it’s like dating me:
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*