I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.