What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Remember folks 😂
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Sharon I have some bad news
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once