If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
how long have you had this for?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope