DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
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Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that