dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED