One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You Might Also Like
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.