“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
You Might Also Like
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You know I’m something of a chef myself
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I missed you with all my darts
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I am also baked goods
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.