Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist