[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Tough love is true love
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.