“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead