I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas